Category Archives: Chronicles

Excuse me, my good sir or madam, would you like to see a bald eagle?

I’m walking my dog in the park. It’s nearly dark already — slept away my weekend again, second verse same as the first — and the streetlamps have just come on. A pair of men pass on the sidewalk, going in the opposite direction, and I smile and nod absently; it sounds like they’re speaking Russian to each other, but I’m not really listening; in my earbuds, The Tragically Hip are singing, Twenty years for nothing, well that’s nothing new; besides, no one’s interested in something you didn’t do. The cold is getting sharper quickly as the last of the light leeches away. I shouldn’t have spent those ten minutes standing at the park’s north end, watching a murder of crows wheeling overhead, squabbling amongst themselves about who would be perching next to whom in the branches of the single bare tree that they’d all decided to cram themselves into. (It was like watching children fight over who sat where at the lunch table, but their wings were outstretched so beautifully against the gray sky and they tumbled so easily through the air, like leaves caught up together in a whirlwind.)

Behind me, one of the men says in English, “Oh, I should tell her. Excuse me, miss!”

I turn around. There’s no one else about that he might be addressing, and sure enough he’s walking back toward me, while his friend hangs back, looking a bit embarrassed.

“Excuse me, miss,” the fellow says. “Would you like to see a bald eagle?”

Beside me, my dog sits down, like he’s too puzzled by the question to remain standing and needs to sit and think on it awhile. I picture him smoking a pipe with a perplexed expression on his face, and make a mental note to Photoshop that later. My brain also conjures up a few helpful suggestions: Decline offer if said bald eagle is in his van. Decline offer if “bald eagle” is nickname for something in his pants. I imagine the side of a van with “free candy” crudely crossed out and “free bald eagles!!!” spraypainted over the top, and I have to admit that were this the case, I would at least have to applaud his originality.

Considering and subsequently discarding several witty rejoinders, I eventually settle for saying, “Um?” I’m fairly certain my mouth is hanging open, and my dog Trudeau and I are probably wearing matching expressions of eyebrow-raising confusion.

The man seems to pick up on this. “I’m telling everyone,” he says reassuringly, which isn’t actually reassuring at all. I still haven’t even the faintest of ideas what in the hell he’s talking about, and I’m not sure what “everyone” he could be talking about, unless he’s been chasing down joggers on the footpaths clear on the other side of the park’s loop road. I wouldn’t be any more surprised by that than I am by the whole conversation.

He points up into a cluster of bare trees that stand inside the aviary fence, and says, “Look up there, in the branches of the bare tree. Can you see it?”

I can’t help but think that this is like that part in a fight scene when somebody says, “Look, it’s bigfoot!” or “Wow, naked ladies!” and distracts their opponent long enough to knock them unconscious. I’m putting my back to the guy’s buddy by peering into the trees, but whatever; if this elaborate ruse is all in aid of a mugging, then I say they’ve earned the contents of my wallet ($7 in cash and a maxed out food stamp card; suck on that, muggers), and besides, I’m pretty certain that Trudeau will avenge me. I mean, unless these guys are prepared with dog cookies in which case Trudeau can probably be bought, the traitorous bastard.

The point being, I turn and look up at the tree — trees, because “the bare tree” isn’t very descriptive when there are like ten of them right there — and I squint and curse my eyes, and I don’t see a single damned thing. (My conservation biology teacher in college used to mournfully lament that people were only interested in the “charismatic megafauna”… animals like lions and elephants and pandas and whatever, the ones you see lots of nature documentaries about. I argued that I was rather restricted to a study of large animals because my eyes are so bad I’d never be taking up birdwatching.)

“You see it?” the guy says again, and he’s so earnest that I tell him yeah, I do, that’s so cool, even though it takes another ten seconds before I actually spot it, because I really don’t want this to turn into a truly awkward moment where he tries somehow even harder to share his birding discovery with me. I do see it now though, a hunch-shouldered shape huddled on the farthest branch, looking down into the aviary like it’s deigned to come and visit its stranger relations.

“That’s awesome,” I say, and Trudeau sighs because he hasn’t the slightest interest in birds (he has a much keener preference for squirrels).

“It’s visiting from the wild,” the guy tells me, proud and earnest, like the eagle is here on his personal invitation, just to give him the opportunity to interact with strangers. “It’s not part of the aviary.”

“Yeah,” I agree, because come on, obviously. Ticket sales would probably go down if their own birds were free to perch high above the aviary and fly away on a whim. “Thanks,” I tell him again, which is actually another way of saying, Yes I see, please go away now because you are making this awkward.

He seems to pick up on the unspoken social signal, and finally rejoins his friend, leaving Trudeau and I to continue on our way, though we don’t go far, just to where the view improves. I’m grateful to the gentleman, strange as the exchange was, for pointing the bird out, and grateful even moreso that he left us alone to enjoy the sight. The eagle is a splendid, large adult, and its perch is just high enough that I’m wishing for binoculars and just low enough that still, even with my poor eyesight, I can see that while I’m standing there looking up, the bird is looking back down. We’re both caught in the pool of light cast by a nearby lamp post, and it makes the white feathers on the bird’s head shine with a particular brilliance.

The eagle doesn’t do anything in particular, just sits and stares, but just its presence makes something stir in my chest, some weak thing fluttering inside my ribcage, the beating of phantom wings against my heart a reminder that even a little piece of the wilderness can make us feel just a little more alive.

After awhile, the eagle turns its head again, apparently bored with its view of us, and the deepening darkness gathers in against its brown body like the evening itself has also chosen to roost on that branch. We continue on — reluctantly, in my case, and quite eagerly in Trudeau’s, as I think he still had hope for a squirrel sighting — and though I keep my eyes peeled for other intrepid park-goers to share the discovery with, none are forthcoming. And while I wouldn’t mind sharing this sight with someone else — I’ve no doubt it would be just as wonderfully random and awkward as it was for me — I’m not quite mad enough to go running after the joggers.


Four Songs That Say “Holidays” Without Driving Me To Murder

I should begin by saying that I feel traumatized by Christmas music. It’s all due to a former coworker, who shall remain unnamed because, well, I can’t remember her name. I’m trying to block out my wasted years in corporate America. Anyway, she sat in the cube across from mine and she started with the Christmas music around Halloween and didn’t stop until after New Years. And I’m not just talking Christmas music in general. I’m talking the Charlie Brown Christmas album. Over and over and over and over again, right up until the point where I was searching for the Necronomicon and looking for ways to get great Cthulhu to rise from his watery kingdom at R’lyeh and consume us all because that is just how badly I wanted to end it all.

There are a few songs that I think of as winter anthems that tend to get me through the holidays in one piece, though. They’re not necessarily Christmas songs or holiday songs or even any particular sort of song, but they make me think of barren branches and snow and all things seasonal, so what the hell. Here, have some music.


Jeffrey Foucault, “Ghost Repeater”

All of the drunks
Dressed up like Santa Claus
Ring Salvation Army bells
But the town square is quiet
The juke joints are empty
Everyone’s buying
What no one can sell

I don’t think that Jeffrey Foucault has ever once in his life sung something that wasn’t heartbreakingly beautiful, and I’ve long admired him for the remarkable poetry of his lyrics. Listening to his music is like watching a movie in your head (if you’re me, anyway), complete with mind-blowing cinematography. His clear contender for holiday song of the century is “Ghost Repeater,” and you can even download the mp3 for free from his website because he is. Just. That. Awesome.

Aside from some gorgeous Christmas-meets-the-death-of-the-American-dream sort of imagery, this song also contains one of my favorite pieces in the history of songwriting: “The wages of sin / Don’t adjust for inflation / It’s a buyer’s market / When you sell your soul”. I love this song. I love this album. I love Jeffrey Foucault, particularly when he’s saving me from the doldrums of holiday music. But I’m going to stop nattering on now and let you listen… here’s a live recording of Foucault performing this particular song with the accompaniment of the great Peter Mulvey:

Jeffrey Foucault, “Ghost Repeater”


Figgy Duff, “Henry Martin”

There were three brothers in merry Scotland,
In merry Scotland there were three
And they did cast lots which of them should go, should go, should go,
And turn robber all on the salt sea

I will be the first to admit to you that my holiday rituals are extremely geeky holiday rituals. Sure, I like the standard stuff like Christmas trees and lights and the whole bit, but what really sets the mood for the season in my book is the Doctor Who Christmas special and my own private screening of every Christmas-themed episode of Due South. Which is why this little ditty about privateers and tallship battles is a holiday anthem in my house — it’s from the awesome Due South Christmas episode “Gift of the Wheelman“. Plus, it’s just lovely. It’s not what you’d call a terribly cheerful song, but I’m pretty sure I was emotionally damaged in fourth grade, when the two songs we had to sing in class every day were 1) about a kid’s parrot dying (he’ll no longer sing koo-koo-dee koo-koo-da, for serious) and 2) about the Titanic sinking and how totally sad that was. (It was sad — so sad! — it was sad — so sad! — it was sad when the great ship went down.) So you know… I kind of prefer my music twisted. And my holidays. And kind of everything else, really. *Cough* So uh, here’s a song.

Figgy Duff, “Henry Martin”


The Pogues, “Fairytale of New York”

It was Christmas Eve babe
In the drunk tank
An old man said to me, won’t see another one
And then he sang a song
The Rare Old Mountain Dew
I turned my face away
And dreamed about you

This list just wouldn’t be complete — but it would contain much cleaner language — without The Pogues. Personally, I don’t consider it to be Christmas until I’ve listened to “Fairytale of New York” at least a half dozen times.

The Pogues, “Fairytale of New York”


Laura Veirs, “Icebound Stream”

I can hold a thunderhead in my heart
And in my bed I can dream a winter’s gale
And wake up drenched
A stormy pale, a stormy pale

Okay look, I don’t want to completely geek out on you and like blow your mind or something, but I’m not really kidding when I say that the theme of the season for me is Due South, which is why this song (and specifically this video) is my final winter pick. The Due South two-parter “Victoria’s Secret” is one of the finest pieces of television produced in EVER, as far as I’m concerned, and this fanvid for the episode set to Laura Veirs’ “Icebound Stream” is one of the best works of fan creativity I’ve ever seen, too. I’ve actually watched it so many times that when the song comes on my MP3 player the vid starts to play in full color in my brains. It kind of takes all the emotional points of the episode and distills them into a steely ice pick which it then jams right into your heart. It is just that amazing. DO NOT JUDGE ME. Instead, go buy Due South on DVD — it’s less than $20 for the complete three seasons, and it is well worth the money, not to mention it makes a super gift — and then you too can do a Due South holiday marathon! It’s much better than singing Christmas carols with your aunt Bertha or whatever it is you usually do.

Laura Veirs, “Icebound Stream”


An Interesting Idiom: “I’ll Be There With Bells On”

As I’ve previously mentioned, I’m working these days as a carriage driver, and with the holiday season in full swing, I’ve been looking for ways to trick out my horse and carriage. These days I’m feeling like Christmas trees are completely passé and if you’re looking for some true thrills in holiday decorating, you need to look into the art and science of attempting to decorate a live animal. It’s a little complicated when you consider that the thing you’re decorating will likely do its best to eat your decorations, but you also have to contend with the possibility (okay, high probability) of blizzard conditions or just general moisture followed by sub-zero temperatures for hours on end. Your average decorations probably just aren’t going to hold up.

Our carriage company does most of the actual decorating of vehicles — and particularly for us new drivers, we never know which carriage we’re going to end up driving anyway, so it’s best not to get too invested — but drivers can help boost their business with a little bling. The veteran drivers all an incredible assortment of decorating tricks (Scooter’s Santa dummy, mounted over his horse’s back, is a hit with the kids while simultaneously giving me the willies) but for my part I mostly intend to spend my hard-earned cash on endless layers of thermals, snow pants, rain gear and chemical toe-warmers. Still, I’d like to have a little something to dress up the horses I’ll be driving for the occasion, so I have a few strings of battery-operated lights and I’ve been looking into sleigh bells.

My esteemed colleague Jim seems to find my efforts with Christmas lights laughable -- and routinely does his best to fling them off -- but passersby certainly love them. And when it really gets dark, the lights look like little stars against the black of Jim's mane. <3

I bought a few bags of craft-store bells that I’ll be giving a go, though I’d be kind of surprised if they lasted longer than a week. And because I like to live in a land of delusion, I also searched the Internet for real harness bells. I found quite a few places still producing beautiful, high-quality bells of all kinds for use on harnesses (I will take one of each, please), but alas, poverty and other priorities prevent me from actually purchasing any.

My quest did yield a potential origin for an interesting idiom, however. (That’s what I love about the Internet: you might be just shopping for something, but you learn some vocab instead.) You’ve probably heard the phrase “I’ll be there with bells on,” and it’s generally accepted to mean, “I will be attending the aforementioned function in my finest of finery.” Presumably there was a point in time where one might attend a party with literal bells on. (In the UK apparently the equivalent phrase is “with knobs on” instead, but honestly, I don’t want to even know what knobs are. If anyone tells me I will hear it in Graham Norton’s voice and all seriousness will be gone from this conversation.)

One possible origin of the phrase, however, comes from the days of horsedrawn transportation, when bells were often worn on a horse’s harness not just for the holiday festiveness of it but to ensure that other travelers on the road could hear you coming. If a partygoer arrived “with bells on,” it meant that they arrived safely having suffered no collisions or misfortunes. Or, somewhat more mundanely and assuming that everybody back then didn’t travel around with a large cacophony of bells at all times, simply that carriage horses were outfitted with bells for particularly festive occasions, the same way a partygoer would dress themselves to the nines for a special event.

The Phrase Finder offers an even more charming and detailed possible explanation for the idiom:

The settlement of US immigrants in Pennsylvania and other states. Their preferred means of transport were large, sturdy wooden carts, called Conestoga wagons. These were drawn by teams of horses or mules whose collars were fitted with headdresses of bells. George Stumway, in Conestoga Wagon 1750-1850, states that the wagoners personalised the bells to tunings of their liking and took great pride in them. If a wagon became stuck, a teamster who came to the rescue often asked for a set of bells as reward. Arriving at a destination without one’s bells hurt a driver’s professional pride, whereas getting there ‘with bells on’ was a source of satisfaction.

As I’m sure you can imagine, I will forthwith be demanding a set of bells as payment every time I perform a favor for a fellow motorist. Should’ve made the demand of the last person I gave a jumpstart to. “No sir, I shall not furnish forth the jumper cables until you reward me with bells! I demand that they be gleaming, sir! Gleaming!”

Of course, the phrase is pretty antiquated either way, but as a person who drives a horse and carriage, I suppose I can’t really point the finger at anything for being old-fashioned. If you’re more into the modern conveniences and highfalutin technology, perhaps you should take Nathan Bradley’s advice and replace “with bells on” with the much more practical “with sandwich in tow.” I think it could be the next big thing. As for myself, I’m now experiencing an intense urge to research the etymology of the word “highfalutin.” So maybe it’s best to just leave things there.


I can stop anytime I want. It’s just that I don’t want to. Ever. Please, don’t make me!

I want to make a confession, because I feel like it’s going to be cathartic. So here it goes: I have a slight addiction. To shopping.

It’s not what you’re thinking. I don’t have a thing for shoes or a complete inability to resist a bargain in general. It’s mostly just… well… art supplies. I am completely psychologically incapable of going into a store full of art supplies and coming out with the same amount of cash in my wallet that I had going in.

You might think that’s not a bad thing for an artist, considering we do tend to burn through art supplies rather rapidly. I’ve made three runs for additional supplies (the actual necessary kind, not the “I must have that because it is there” kind) just this week. The trouble with art supplies as a consumer product is that when you’re wandering through the art store you’re not just looking at products on a shelf, you’re looking at the potential for genius. Or at very least the potential for a good time. You can be looking at a tube of paint or a block of clay or a pair of round-nosed pliers, but what you’re actually seeing is the finished product.

This is the problem with artists. We have vivid and sometimes detailed imaginations. We can see that finished piece in our mind’s eye, and we simply must have those components that are necessary for the creation of whatever it is we think we’re going to create. And if we haven’t worked in that medium before and really don’t have the first idea how we might turn that collection of raw materials and tools into the thing we see in our heads, well… in my case, at least, reality rarely gets in my way.

Which is why, as you might imagine, my work space consists of a desk, a lamp, and a bunch of bins and containers full of things that I haven’t figured out how to use yet. When I was a kid things came very easily to me and I’m still in the process of training myself to embrace the learning curve… to understand that when I try a new medium for the first time, what I produce probably isn’t going to be a great work of art or the vision I see in my head or even necessarily something that’s going to make decent kindling. So while I’m always excited by all the possibilities of a new art form — and perhaps too excited over all the associated equipment you can buy in shiny, promise-filled packages from the art supply store — I often find myself incredibly intimidated by the same things once I get them home. Sometimes I give them a try and give up for awhile in frustration. Sometimes I don’t even get around to the trying part and they just sit, still neatly packaged, waiting for me to work through my neuroses.

Recently I decided that I was going to start working my way through those supplies. I decided to start with the box I’d labeled “WIRE,” which was filled with little spools of wire in different gauges and pliers (mostly of the wrong sort). I checked out a few books on wire-wrapped jewelry from the library so I could figure out the essential skills, determined that I’d need to make one last fortifying trip to the craft store to get a couple more pairs of pliers that every book seemed to agree I would need, and then I sat myself down at the table and decided that I would create something. I would create something that would probably just go straight into the garbage, but what the hell, the wire hadn’t been that expensive (at some point I’d extended my shopaholicness to the hardware store, where they had wire galore). And it’d just mean that I had less art supplies sitting around, making me feel guilty for my non-use of them and for my shopping addiction problem. So I cut a few lengths of wire and attempted to make a few basic shapes and loops and mostly ended up with mangled chunks of wire that couldn’t even be called “abstract.” (One of them did sort of look like a sea urchin, though.)

Normally at that point I’d be experiencing a strong urge to browse for something more cooperative at the art supply store. But what the hell, I was comfortable, I had some Doctor Who on the telly (you have to say “on the telly” when you’re watching British television, it’s required) and bending wire is actually kind of fun as random activities go. Plus I had that image in my head. The finished product. And by all that was good and holy, I was going to create that thing I’d envisioned. So I took my pliers and that copper wire and I bent and twisted and turned and cursed and pricked myself so hard with the end of a wire that I bled kind of profusely and then… then I had this.

It was a little rough. And it was also awesome. It was just what I wanted. It was kind of better than I’d originally planned for. It was a first effort but I figured somebody out there might want it, so I put it up on my Etsy shop and pointed to it from Facebook and asked my friends whether I had created something they would enjoy. I haven’t sold that original quite yet (you can remedy this by buying it, lolz!), but I have sold quite a few others, both one at a time and in large orders. I suddenly seem to be spending a lot of my time making little wire horses. And finally, finally, I have an excuse to go shopping for art supplies. It’s not a compulsion, it’s just that I genuinely need more colors of wire! It’s not my fault!

If you’d like to get a little wire pony to decorate your Christmas tree (or rearview mirror, or whatever other things you like to hang decorative items from, I do not even want to know) please feel free to drop by my Etsy store and order one! I also do custom work that’s made to order, and am working on some designs for cats, dogs and other adorableness. (Perhaps an echidna! Or a capybara with a little wire monocle!) Honestly, the more I can move this wire out of here the sooner I can move on to some other stack of art supplies that I’ve been neglecting… maybe I’ll try the scratchboard next. Or the linocuts. Or the watercolors. Or the acrylics.

Help.


Featured Creature Friday: Crafty Crows, Agricultural Ants, and Pyro Bonobos

When I was a kid, I remember reading dated books about natural human history that showed early human ancestors (typically clad in Flintstones-style approximations of what I can only assume were sabertoothed tiger skins), and they explained the process of our evolution, and what forces had contributed to our eventual rise to true civilization (which at the time meant listening to Phil Collins and wearing stirrup pants and jellies.)

Our large brains separated us from the animals, we were told. We learned to create and use tools. To farm and keep livestock. To harness fire. We were convinced that all of this made us better than the beasts.

Of course, in the time since then, we’ve learned that there are animals that do all of those things too. They just haven’t taken it that one step further by building monster trucks, synthesizing bovine growth hormone, or inventing nuclear weapons, all of which truly makes us superior to the dumb beasts of the world.

Still, you have to give the animals credit for being just ridiculously clever, so let’s take a look at a few of them and boggle together at how much smarter they appear to be than we are. They’re at least out there making their way in the world, pulling themselves up by their proverbial bootstraps, instead of sitting around at home and watching Jersey Shore.

Art by John Gerrard Keulemans, in the public domain

The Toolsmiths: New Caledonian Crows

We all know that many birds are kind of ridiculously intelligent. They’ve been observed doing things like dropping turtles from great heights to break their shells, or using the tires of passing cars to crack open nutshells. Birds have been shown to show some ability for counting, problem-solving, deception, pre-planning, operating  and incredible skills of dancing. And although many birds have a demonstrated ability to use tools, the current master toolsmith of the bird world is the New Caledonian Crow of New Zealand. These birds have been shown to not only use tools but also to create them, and to use one tool to acquire another tool to acquire another tool to get to a food source. Here’s a TED talk from a fellow who built a crow vending machine, where they could exchange coins for peanuts. (I can only assume that this gentleman is now both very rich and also a regular at his bank’s coin-counting machine.)

The Farmers: The Herding Ants

There are actually a surprising number of animals that actively engage in farming. Termite mounds are essentially giant terrariums designed to create optimum conditions for the fungus they like to eat. You might think Leaf-Cutter Ants cut leaves so they can eat them, but actually they’re creating compost for growing their own fungus farms. Ambrosia Beetles grow their fungus farms in trees, while Marsh Snails use their tongues to slice into cordgrass, creating a perfect environment for the fungi they prefer to feast on. Even the oceanic creatures get in on the action: spotted jellyfish are their own living greenhouses, and make use of photosynthesis and their own transparent skins to help them create a rich fungal crop inside their own bodies. (I’m beginning to sense that animals love fungi.) Damselfish, meanwhile, grow algae and are as aggressively protective as a farmer with a shotgun… plus, the algae they prefer are a bit wimpy, and probably wouldn’t really survive without cultivation. If you’ve ever read Michael Pollan’s The Botany of Desire, that may sound like a familiar story.

But I was going to talk about ants. Ants are particularly interesting because they don’t raise mere crops like the rest of their fungus-loving friends. They actually farm livestock. Several species of ants keep herds of aphids, which they “milk” for their excrement, “honeydew,” which is extremely sugary. (Before you start judging the ants, remember that humans make a common practice of not only eating all sorts of animal meat but also their mammary secretions and in the case of birds, the byproducts of their menstrual cycle.) The relationship between ants and aphids directly mirrors that between humans and our own livestock animals. The ants get to enjoy good nutrition and delicious treats, plus an extremely reliable food source. They relocate their herds to better grazing when necessary, defend them from predators, clean up their waste (which would otherwise attract unwanted visitors), keep them out of the weather, and even help them reproduce by sheltering, protecting and nurturing their larvae.

New research also suggests that humans aren’t the only ones to use pharmaceuticals on our livestock, or to physically modify them the same way we might castrate calves or dock a lamb’s tail. The ants sometimes nip off the adult aphids’ wings so they can’t fly about on their own. A new study suggests that chemicals the ants track around on their feet may serve as some sort of signal or actual tranquilizer for the aphids.

The Firestarters: Bonobo Apes

Okay, this one’s a little bit of a cheat, but you’re going to love it anyway. This TED talk shows video of bonobos starting a fire, driving a golf cart, playing musical instruments, inventing new uses for tools, and playing Pac-Man. Yeah, you heard me. They weren’t taught these things as tricks, but basically the behaviors were modeled for them, and they picked them right up and started experimenting for themselves.

So I guess we’re just not as special as we thought we were, nor are animals quite the dumb beasts that they’ve been made out to be… and we’d better be careful, because we’ve taught them how to start fires. I’m just saying.


Four Songs That Are Restoring My Faith in Humanity

Admittedly, it doesn’t take much to make me lose my faith in humanity. I’m a bit of an Eeyore, if I’m honest. Popular culture seems to be a particular source of vexation. All I have to do is turn on the television (where things seem to have devolved into a 24-hour completely-fabricated-”reality”-show marathon) to start wondering where we went wrong as a species, and all these top-40 radio stations in my fair city don’t help, either. I feel like I find half my time station-surfing to find a song that isn’t an anthem on how awesome cheating is, taking revenge on a cheater, or telling a cheater that you’re better than all of this anyway. Well, that or a narcissistic wank-fest. Or irritating club songs whose lyrics can’t be made out anyway but seem to consist of a single line repeated, with synthesizers. (I’m sure it’s great to dance to, but sometimes I enjoy lyrics. Also, I would appreciate it if you kids would turn down your music and get off my lawn.)

Occasionally, however, I hear a song that makes me proud to be a part of the same human race that could produce that kind of music. Occasionally I hear a song that makes me weep uncontrollably for no good reason (like this blog’s first selection did) or that makes me feel like something larger than myself or that simply, in the immortal words of Jack Black, has the power to move me. I thought I’d share a few in case you haven’t heard them yet, and I hope that they touch you, too.


Adele – “Someone Like You”

Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don’t forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
“Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.”

Everybody likes Adele. I feel safe saying that, and if it isn’t entirely the truth, I can at least qualify it by saying that everybody who has a soul likes her music. She has a remarkable voice, a beautiful presence and a serious knack for reaching into your chest cavity and squeezing things until you sob. While some of her songs definitely fall into the breakup-bitterness category that I’m not usually a fan of (though since this is Adele we’re talking about, and I’m definitely a fan of them from her), far and away my favorite tune of hers is “Someone Like You.” It’s a gorgeous, poetic song, but the thing about it that helps to restore my faith in humanity is that it’s just so very adult. There’s a gut-twisting sense of sadness to it, and it’s about a relationship that didn’t work, but while some people might cope with the loss by causing incredible damage to personal property (Carrie Underwood! *shakes fist*) or taking all of their partner’s money, selling his positions and destroying his credit (Blu Cantrell! *shakes fist*), this song handles a break-up in the way that I like to imagine these things can actually happen between people who are emotionally balanced and actually love each other. Even when the relationship fails, for whatever reason, they can think of each other fondly, wish each other well, want to be remembered and want what they had back, but bear in mind that although sometimes it lasts in love, sometimes it hurts instead. And that’s okay, even if it’s not easy. That’s how life works.


Hey Rosetta! – “Welcome”

Sorry, this is it
It’s cold and hard and badly lit
And there’s no backing out of it
So forget where you’ve been
It’ll never be that good again
And we must only look ahead

Hey Rosetta! frontman Tim Baker wrote this song for some friends of his who’d recently had a baby… or rather, he wrote it for that baby. I’ve heard all sorts of soppy country songs about how children are the best thing ever (and frankly, I’m not buying it), but this is the first song I’ve ever heard that really sums up how I feel as a young person whose friends are starting to have kids that eventually will be facing — as all children do, I suppose — an uncertain and trying future. I love this song not only because it’s Hey Rosetta! (and I kind of think everything they’ve ever done is absolutely stellar), but because it manages to be simultaneously frank, bleak, hopeful, and more than anything else, emotional. In one verse, Baker’s warning the kid that our generation is handing off our troubles, and that these new generations will have to do better than we did, and that sometimes we get lost in life and struggle; in another, he’s reassuring: “You will do alright / You’ve got your mother’s eyes / You’ve got your daddy’s head / Everything you need.”

Mostly, what moves me about this song (and makes me hope that maybe these kids — the ones that Baker’s friends have, the ones that my friends have — really will do alright) is the intense, driving, powerful love that radiates through every word. Love for the child he’s writing to, love for that child’s parents, love dare I say it for the human race and all of its foibles. That child — the one being welcomed to the world with this tune — is lucky indeed to be born into a bigger family that already knows it will make mistakes, forgives it, reaches out to give it a hand up, and is delighting in its entrance. I get a little choked up every time Baker sings, “I can feel you and what you’re gonna be / You’ll be stronger, you’ll be smarter than me / Oh baby, I’ll say it again / You’re the most incredible thing.”


P!nk – “Fuckin’ Perfect”

You’re so mean when you talk
About yourself. You were wrong.
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead.

Usually I’d be the last person to agree with a sentiment that places self-esteem over self-respect (there is an important distinction between the two, after all), so when I first heard the chorus to this tune I was prepared to hate it. A lot. Who is Pink, after all, to tell teenagers that they’re perfect when they’re probably really little bastards? Let’s not inflate their egos here, Pink. Come on.

By the time this tune came on the radio again and I actually heard the whole thing, however, I’d worked through my moment of being all judge-y judge and was prepared to listen. What I heard was an anthem that spoke to my inner insecure, self-loathing teenaged self. I hope that it’s speaking to the actual teenagers of the world too, and it’s obviously a timely piece of music with the rising awareness of how much bullying and other pressures from peers can ruin a kid’s life. The verse I quoted above was a particularly poignant one for me: being kind to myself has always been a struggle for me, and I wrestle daily with the problems that come from having a truly and profoundly awful self-image; I can’t imagine how difficult the same issues are for kids who are still trying to figure out who they are, riding the tide of hormonal puberty, and dealing with the sometimes practically-sociopathic behavior of others who are just as screwed up. And this song has an important message for them: that it does get better. That somebody loves you, or somebody will. That you aren’t alone. That you shouldn’t let anyone make you feel like you’re less than you are. That your life is your own to live, and you shouldn’t let other people dictate for you what sort of life it’s going to be. And it doesn’t hurt that Pink sings it with a sincerity that borders on painful. This song isn’t so much my usual thing, but I’d never call it less than perfect.


The Swell Season – “High Hope” (featuring Moji)

Cause I’ve been living in a half life
Not sure which way to turn
why must a man lose everything to find out what he wants?

I knew this list would have to include a Glen Hansard tune because, in the space between his two bands (The Frames and The Swell Season) lies a musical lexicon which, frankly, has made my life and my emotional landscape a richer thing. When I’m talking about music that moves me, I could feature practically every song the man has ever sung, but I chose to restrict myself to one, and in particular to one performance that lifts me up every time I hear it.

Seeing a Swell Season performance live is really the closest I come to a religious experience. Every time I hear Glen Hansard talk on any subject I feel as if my spiritual horizons have been expanded, and in saying that I don’t mean to imply that the guy tries to be a motivational speaker, has all the answers or is even particularly profound (on purpose, at least). He seems to look at the world in this sort of intense, soul-searching, thoughtful way that ends up offering all sorts of ideas and insights about life and relationships that just… if I might go so far as to say it, it helps you understand yourself. It’s an active and difficult search for emotional fitness and a recognition that the search itself is the important part.

With this particular song (and quite a few others in the band’s repertoire), Hansard often asks the audience to sing along. At this particular show, he heard a voice in the crowd that he really liked. So he invited the person attached to that voice to get up on stage and help the band make a bit of art. I love this song because it invites you to take a risk, to make a decision, to focus on the future instead of dwelling on the past, to wish others well in their journey and hope that you come together again sometime, even if your paths are diverging. I love this particular performance because Moji, that audience member pulled up on stage, is clearly having the time of her life, seizing the moment, and contributing her own talents to making something beautiful. She gives a piece of herself to the crowd and lets that energy be amplified and returned. It’s joy for the sake of joy, and another moment that can help us all remember how to live: with love, without fear, and in a state of wonder.


And that was when the bride and groom engaged in fisticuffs…

My new job is awesome. And when I say “awesome,” I am understating matters. For a couple of weeks now I’ve been driving a carriage in downtown Salt Lake City, and I’m having a singularly good time. Sure, I make basically nothing, I work on commission and tips (neither of which are currently abundant), and it is part of my job description to shovel manure and clean up horse pee, but when you’re a horse person, you actually list that sort of thing on the “pro” side of your list instead of the “con” side. Plus, you can’t beat the company, and by that I mean both the four-legged and the two-legged kind. The horses are great and the people are… well, you have to be a certain sort of person to be happy about all of the things I’ve just mentioned, which means they are truly My People.

The best thing about it, though, is seeing the city from another angle. I grew up in Salt Lake and though I’m familiar with many of the sights and attractions of the area, I can’t claim to have ever known the downtown area at all. I’d come down occasionally for the mall (which isn’t there anymore), but I’d never have dreamed of being on the streets down there at one o’clock in the morning. That sort of thing is generally reserved for people who have a social life.

We get a pretty nice view from our usual staging area at the south gate to Temple Square.

Since I started driving carriages though, I’ve been having a Salt Lake renaissance. (That’s a Sports Night reference, by the way. If you haven’t seen Sports Night, I feel sad for you. Please acquire it and enrich your life.) There’s so much going on downtown and so much to do that I hardly know where to begin. (I can’t really begin anyway, since as I mentioned I don’t really make much money, which means I have no money, which means I can’t actually patronize any of those fabulous restaurants I keep seeing.) And the city at night — which is mostly the state I see it in, since it gets dark pretty early now — is gorgeous. I really just enjoy everything about it. I enjoy meeting random people and taking them on carriage rides, sharing what I know about the various sights on our tours and the stories behind them. I enjoy watching the light shine through the yellow fall leaves outside of Temple Square and seeing the colors change in Memory Grove and watching the lights come on in the beautiful buildings downtown as night falls. I enjoy the fact that I’m not sitting behind a computer for a living, even if my brilliant alternative involves standing around outdoors freezing my bits off.

And sure, I don’t get to see much of that because mostly I stand around asking passersby if they’d like to take a carriage ride tonight, and mostly they say no, so my evenings are generally spent standing around dying of boredom, but maybe that’s part of why I’ve learned to appreciate the little things. Being a carriage driver gives you a fascinating glimpse into other people’s lives, like the guy who proposed to his girlfriend on my first-ever ride as a trainee, or the drunk guy who I spotted tonight pissing outside the entrance of an upscale restaurant in full view of dozens of passengers on the light rail train, not to mention everybody else on the street. It’s a seriously diverse slice of life out there.

My esteemed colleague Ace, on the other hand, does not care about human drama. He is busy having a nap. Please come take a ride with us and alleviate his boredom.

And sometimes, the unrelenting boredom is relieved temporarily by a good old-fashioned dash of drama. My fellow drivers have some completely insane stories, and while I’ve not been on the job long enough to have collected any interesting ones of my own yet, I did get to experience some soap opera-worthy drama second-hand by radio tonight.

Another of our drivers had gone to pick up a bride and groom from a reception hall and ferry them to their hotel. This is a pretty common sort of job for us and from what I’ve heard it usually goes pretty smoothly; the biggest problem is usually the bride and groom being late for their appointed pick-up time because they’re trying to escape from all of their relatives at the reception. This ride seemed to start out just fine; the driver radioed in to let the barn know that he’d picked up the bride and groom and was enroute to the hotel. Awhile later, he came on the radio again. It took a bit of back and forth before any of us really understood exactly what he was saying and what on earth was going on.

The bride and groom had both rather abruptly exited the carriage, and they weren’t anywhere near the hotel yet. She’d gone off in one direction, he’d gone off in another, and the carriage driver was sitting at the side of the road, absolutely bewildered and wondering what he should do. Apparently the couple had been bickering since the first moment, had already exited the carriage once and come back again, started fighting again, exchanged blows (she slapped him; he slapped her back), and finally both just jumped out of the carriage and left. (One or both parties were drunk; I’m not real clear on the particulars.) Another of our drivers was on the case before we knew it, tracking down the bride and making sure she was alright, hanging around to make sure she was safe until a car arrived to pick her up. Nobody knew where the groom had gone. It was like Days of Our Lives live and in person. Just hearing it all unfold over the radio was a truly marvelous and mind-boggling experience.

Carriage drivers see a lot of different relationships from our seat on the box. We’re often around for the big moments and celebrations — the proposal, the wedding, the anniversary, the birthday, whatever. Sometimes when a guy proposes, the girl says yes. Sometimes she doesn’t. Sometimes the bride and groom enjoy the best night of their lives. Sometimes they don’t. Hopefully, somewhere out there, this particular pair are patching things up right now, if it is right that they should do so. I hate to see a good honeymoon suite go to waste.


Featured Creature Friday: The Dapper Dresser Crab

You can ask anyone who knows me, and they will tell you the truth: I know nothing about fashion. That’s why I’ve been looking to the experts for tips. No, I haven’t been watching a Project Runway marathon, and I still have no intention of taking my mom’s suggestion that I should go on What Not To Wear. (Thanks mom.) Instead, I’ve been reading up on dresser crabs.

I'm not really sure if the pearls are the right look for you, but they are a classic.

Don’t laugh. You don’t know a thing about accessorizing until you’ve seen a dresser crab (also known as a decorator crab) carefully select the right look for any occasion. But this isn’t just about fabulousness for them: it’s a matter of life and death. In order to defend themselves against predators, these crabs actually attach bits and bobs found on the ocean floor to the velcro-esque surfaces of their bodies, and then freeze to blend in with their surroundings when they feel there’s danger.

The crabs in the video, of course, are wearing the latest in crab fashion, but normally (when BBC camera crews and their obviously twisted senses of humor aren’t involved) dresser crabs use more common items found on the sea floor. After all, it’s the ocean, and they don’t have H&M or Abercrombie stores down there. (Yet.) They can’t just go pick up a nice frock or a pair of skinny jeans.

Their typical attire, however, is infinitely more bad-ass. Dresser crabs will stick anemones (which have stinging tentacles) or poisonous seawood to their backs. Then they’re not only sporting the latest fashion, but also a formidable defense against any animals foolish enough to tangle with them. I’m not sure why anybody would tangle with them, though. Dresser crab hangouts must be like the awesome drag reviews of the sea. And frankly, with all the jellyfish in there, I reckon the sea can use all the awesome it can get.


This old world is a new world and a bold world for me

It could be fairly said that I’m kind of terrified of new things. I’ve always been willing to go out of my way to avoid having to go into a store I’ve never been in before, finding an address I haven’t visited, meeting new people, trying a new restaurant. It’s a fairly constant low-level anxiety, made worse by the fact that it feels so stupid. All I’m really afraid of is making some sort of remarkably minor misstep, the kind other people wouldn’t even notice: not knowing where to park, not remembering a new acquaintance’s name, not knowing where to find the condiments or whether to bus my own table.

Stupid, like I said. And the only way I’ve ever found to tackle the issue is with constant practice. The more new experiences you get under your belt, the less unfamiliar and frightening each new thing becomes; you might not have done this particular thing before, but when you’ve done something like it, it tends to lose its anxiety-inducing qualities. Which is probably why I’ve overcompensated for my little idiosyncrasy by becoming a change-aholic.

Though a few of my friends have been veritable globe-trotters, I don’t think any of them have picked up their entire lives and relocated quite as many times as I have. It’s a sort of low-budget form of wanderlust where instead of doing expensive things like backpacking across Europe or taking a vacation in Paris, I just relocate myself from one plot of rural America to the next in search of… well, the mission changes with time, but suffice it to say I’ve never found what I’ve been looking for. My family and friends are hard-pressed to keep up with which state I’m living in today, and with each new situation I’ve jumped feet-first into something and somewhere completely new. Most of the towns I’ve lived in are places that I never even visited before I moved there. Sometimes that’s worked out for me, sometimes it hasn’t, but I’ve never landed in that perfect place that I’d never want to leave again. And despite my craving for the familiar, I never thought I’d find myself moving back to any place I’d lived before. It was an unaccustomed sensation when I left Northern California and found myself feeling almost immediately homesick for the place.

So when I found myself contemplating moving back to Salt Lake City — my hometown — even I was taken by surprise. Each time I’ve returned to Utah to visit my mom, I’ve been able to take about a week of the place before I was more than ready to move on. I’ve always said that being around family after a long absence can turn a person into a lesser version of themselves, but maybe that’s just me and my personal issues. One of the reasons I’ve changed so many things over the years — where I live, what I do, what I call myself, who I am — is because I haven’t always liked myself very much. There are parts of my life that, though they’re not exactly shameful, are embarrassing enough that I’d just as soon forget them.

This time though, for some reason, coming home felt like the right thing to do. I’d been living in small towns for so long that I was already looking forward to the idea of going to a play, a museum, a planetarium, or a Starbucks whenever I wanted. Still, my first few days in town all I did was worry — there’s another of my vices — about whether I’d done the right thing, where I was going to house my horse (I had her boarded at an overnight facility but needed to find a permanent boarding situation sooner rather than later) and whether I’d made the worst mistake of my life. I felt I was constantly teetering on the verge of a panic attack. I’d moved into my mother’s tiny spare bedroom, which only months ago I would’ve sworn I’d never do. (I love my mom and we get on great, but there’s something about being thirty and living with one’s mother that the independent soul tends to rebel at.) I’d quit a perfectly good job. I’d uprooted myself again, and for what? I had felt burnt out on my own life, and I’d done something to change it, but surely you can only turn your existence on its head so many times before something goes horribly awry. I felt sure that, like every other time I’d visited, I’d be ready to get out of Utah within the week, only this time I was stuck, with no money and no plan and no particular place to go.

So I found a place to keep my horse (an insanely gorgeous place, incidentally, where she’s happy as a clam and I go to work with her and ride her most every day), and I set about finding work. And for once, since I had a roof over my head and no immediate worry about losing it, I had the luxury of really sitting down and thinking about what exactly I wanted to do for a job. I contemplated the idea of finding the work I wanted to do instead of the work I was able to do. I decided to look for part-time jobs with flexible hours so I could devote some time to my own projects (you’ll be seeing more of those soon!) and to think for once about how I was going to live the rest of my life instead of just doing what I had to do to keep on getting by.

On Monday, I start training to be a carriage driver. I probably won’t make much money, but I’m thrilled to death regardless; I’ve always loved draft horses and driving, and I’m overjoyed to get to do it on a regular basis. I’m looking for another part-time job where I’ll hopefully not to be stuck to a computer all day. I’m thinking about what I want to do with the rest of my life and I’m coming up with answers where I haven’t had any before. And I’m finding that coming back to where I started may be the only way to see how much I’ve changed in the years and the spaces between then and now. I was afraid that coming home would make all my old insecurities and memories and anxieties come rushing back, but instead I’ve discovered that I’m just not that person anymore, and that it’s more important to keep working on becoming the best version of myself instead of hiding from the selves I didn’t like so much. And I’m proud to say that I seem to have practiced so much that new things don’t really bother me anymore. I’ve learned to see the opportunities and adventures in everything that’s new… and to see the beauty in my hometown that I was blind to before.

“There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.” – Nelson Mandela


Featured Creature Friday: The Fabulous Fossil Sharks

I kind of have a thing for “living fossils.” Maybe it’s just because I watched Jurassic Park a few too many times in my youth, but I love the idea that there’s so much of our planet’s natural history still visible to us today, from the deep and fascinating layers of geology to the life forms that haven’t changed much in the last few million years. Some of those animals are so bizarre that they’re almost difficult to comprehend: they seem like things that couldn’t possibly exist in our world. Maybe they think the same about us.

photo from National Geographic / Getty

One of those creatures is the frilled shark, which is notable not only for its overwhelming creepiness but also because it’s one of those deep-sea swimmers that we rarely see. They’re something of a reminder to us of just how much we don’t know about our planet and the other creatures that live here. And the fossil record on these animals goes back 80 million years. 80 million years. Let that sink in for a moment while you watch this video of an extremely rare live specimen that was found off the coast of Japan:

(It’s worth noting that this shark was way outside of its habitat long before it was captured and taken to the marine park, so while I’m not a big fan of the “We have found a rare animal, let us place it in captivity!” mentality, this shark was likely already dying before it was captured.)

We don’t really know that much about frilled sharks, because of the depths at which they usually reside (thousands of feet below the surface). We do know they eat things like squid and other sharks. Their teeth are three-pronged and their fixed upper jaws (unlike the hinged ones of modern sharks) give some idea of exactly how far back the genetic heritage goes on these sharks.

photo from National Geographic / Getty

As a bonus, because personally I believe that one creepy shark simply isn’t enough, here are a few more. This is a Goblin Shark:

This thing has a mouth that practically acts independent of its body; check out how the mouth works when the shark bites into the diver’s suit (presumably no divers were harmed in the making of this documentary :D ), and then how the mouth returns to its original configuration once the shark lets go. This shark is like the transformer of the sea. Or maybe I ought to compare it to Alien. Whatever, it’s freaking awesome.

My favorite freaky prehistoric shark video, however, is this one of the Six-Gilled Shark, filmed at a depth of 3300 feet:

It’s not the world’s most exciting video, and the Six-Gilled Shark doesn’t look all that different from the sharks we’re more familiar with, but this thing is massive, at about 18 feet long. (There are larger sharks, like the Basking Shark, but this one’s pretty impressive anyway.) The best part of the video is the audio though, so make sure you watch it with the sound on so you can listen to some marine scientists having a joygasm over the sighting.


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